This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
