did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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