I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
