when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
