I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
