I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
