She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
