Your face is a jimmy john
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
