3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
