when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
