and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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