Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
