She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
