I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
