I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Randomize
