All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
