your parents love me but you hate me
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
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