I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
