My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
