If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
he fucked my hip out of place.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
