i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
