someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
