The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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