Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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