I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
