I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
