This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
