I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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