the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Randomize
