well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
