Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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