I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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