did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
