I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
