so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
