I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
