Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
