I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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