sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Randomize
