if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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