You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
