She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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