As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
