she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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