Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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