Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
