franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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