why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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