I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
