I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize