for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
