I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize