You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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