working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
