I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
