And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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