Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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