im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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